[ he only barely manages to cut himself from saying anything else, from speaking too honestly. because he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with that question, not when he's trying as hard as he is to maintain the proper space they both need. ]
Don't ask me that.
[ because it isn't fair. because the answer isn't a secret. because he's supposed to pretend otherwise. because his worry for her is the very thing that's put him in the situation that he's in. ]
[Her response sounds properly mortified, voice small and genuinely apologetic.]
Sorry. It just came out.
[It's hard to tell if her generally perfect control over her thoughts and her communication with others here just slipped because she's so worried about what Dr. McCoy's message means, or because she's so fixated on the mission. She tries to push past that with a subject change.]
[ it's still hard to decide how to act, whether they just pretend like they don't have carried history from the past several months or if they should confront it somehow, considering the way they'd ended things.
but it's hard to lie to her too, when he knows he can't veil his concern for her an she can see right through him anyway.
he sighs, wishing he didn't have to figure out any of it right now. ]
From ... a few months ago, right? I suggested the weapons. You said it might not be appropriate for all of them.
[she's struggling to try and find her footing with him. she knows they can't just act like nothing happened between them, but she also can't handle discussing the night things ended.
the mission isn't the place to have that conversation, she thinks. it needs to happen when emotions aren't running high out of concern for survival. and there's just so much that she wants to say, it feels wrong to try and say it over this. it should be done face to face. she can be brave enough to do that.]
I brought a few of them with me. I'm going to leave a couple with you.
[They do not, in fact, have weapons inside of them. But there's food and water, which is more important right now.]
[ his concern isn't actually about the weapons, not when he comes barely stocked enough for that, but he does remember that conversation being one of their initial ones, back before her entire demeanor had changed, when whatever went on between them — the flirting and the playfulness — all seemed harmless. being where they are now, that conversation feels a thousand years away. ]
I told you. I'm last priority. Save that stuff for someone who actually needs it.
[She pauses, unsure if he'll allow her or even want her to call him that anymore. It comes out naturally, her pleading with him to let her do this. she's almost desperate to do something, any little thing she can to try and make sure he's taken care of. even if he stubbornly insists he doesn't need it.]
I'm leaving two. Give one to Marta. But please, for me, at least consider hanging onto the other for yourself.
[ even just hearing her use his name like that, it takes him back to the way they used to be, to something almost normal and familiar, even if they haven't been like that in some time, even if he'd spent the last month just getting used to what life is like without clara around, despite how often she'd still ended up on his mind anyway.
but he can hear the desperation in her voice, and he knows this is probably about more than just him, that it's just clara just doing what she does, the way she looks out for anyone. he could keep denying her and she wouldn't stop insisting, because he knows her stubbornness. ]
I can ... hold on to it. [ it's the best he can do, probably. and he doesn't even think about why she'd leave him with one for marta, even if the logical explanation is likely just related to their shared gig here in town. ] I'll save it for a pinch. Or if someone else ends up needing it.
[There's an exhale the second he says he'll hold onto it. That's going to have to be enough. He doesn't lie to her and say he'll use it, and she's grateful for that. But if he holds onto it and he winds up needing food, it'll at least be there.]
If we manage to make it back, I'm going to make sure everyone has an individualized kit before the next mission.
[if nothing else, this whole thing has put her back on top of her game. she had been distracted for a while and slipped up. and she's going to be guilty about that for a long time. but she can't feel personally responsible for every orber starving out here. she has to push through that guilt and make sure everyone she cares about will be alright for as long as possible.]
So don't worry if you have to give it away.
[It's permission to do it, even though he doesn't need it.]
And I -
[she hesitates, realizing telling him this next part probably isn't a great idea.]
I'm going to look into getting my hands on some of the snakes that were mentioned. See if I can't come up with something everyone is able to eat.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ he only barely manages to cut himself from saying anything else, from speaking too honestly. because he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with that question, not when he's trying as hard as he is to maintain the proper space they both need. ]
Don't ask me that.
[ because it isn't fair. because the answer isn't a secret. because he's supposed to pretend otherwise. because his worry for her is the very thing that's put him in the situation that he's in. ]
no subject
[Her response sounds properly mortified, voice small and genuinely apologetic.]
Sorry. It just came out.
[It's hard to tell if her generally perfect control over her thoughts and her communication with others here just slipped because she's so worried about what Dr. McCoy's message means, or because she's so fixated on the mission. She tries to push past that with a subject change.]
Do you remember the supply kits I was making?
no subject
but it's hard to lie to her too, when he knows he can't veil his concern for her an she can see right through him anyway.
he sighs, wishing he didn't have to figure out any of it right now. ]
From ... a few months ago, right? I suggested the weapons. You said it might not be appropriate for all of them.
no subject
the mission isn't the place to have that conversation, she thinks. it needs to happen when emotions aren't running high out of concern for survival. and there's just so much that she wants to say, it feels wrong to try and say it over this. it should be done face to face. she can be brave enough to do that.]
I brought a few of them with me. I'm going to leave a couple with you.
[They do not, in fact, have weapons inside of them. But there's food and water, which is more important right now.]
no subject
I told you. I'm last priority. Save that stuff for someone who actually needs it.
no subject
[She pauses, unsure if he'll allow her or even want her to call him that anymore. It comes out naturally, her pleading with him to let her do this. she's almost desperate to do something, any little thing she can to try and make sure he's taken care of. even if he stubbornly insists he doesn't need it.]
I'm leaving two. Give one to Marta. But please, for me, at least consider hanging onto the other for yourself.
no subject
but he can hear the desperation in her voice, and he knows this is probably about more than just him, that it's just clara just doing what she does, the way she looks out for anyone. he could keep denying her and she wouldn't stop insisting, because he knows her stubbornness. ]
I can ... hold on to it. [ it's the best he can do, probably. and he doesn't even think about why she'd leave him with one for marta, even if the logical explanation is likely just related to their shared gig here in town. ] I'll save it for a pinch. Or if someone else ends up needing it.
no subject
If we manage to make it back, I'm going to make sure everyone has an individualized kit before the next mission.
[if nothing else, this whole thing has put her back on top of her game. she had been distracted for a while and slipped up. and she's going to be guilty about that for a long time. but she can't feel personally responsible for every orber starving out here. she has to push through that guilt and make sure everyone she cares about will be alright for as long as possible.]
So don't worry if you have to give it away.
[It's permission to do it, even though he doesn't need it.]
And I -
[she hesitates, realizing telling him this next part probably isn't a great idea.]
I'm going to look into getting my hands on some of the snakes that were mentioned. See if I can't come up with something everyone is able to eat.
[She's sure everything will be just fine]