[In the end, the team votes to stay. She doesn't like it, doesn't care for the logic behind it. But she can at least abide by the understanding that she's been outvoted and tries to take it in stride. It's hard to do, but she manages. She stays busy trying to help families from the camps reunite. It feels like something she's actually good at.
She's able to blend in, given she has no powers and kept a low profile during the chaos that caused so much destruction. But she finds that no matter how much she helps, she's never satisfied. Something eats at her, discontent growing into actual anger. And one night, when it feels like it's too much, she's grateful that Kovacs reaches out to check in on her.
She doesn't answer his question with an actual statement of how she's doing. She tells him she's on a rooftop to get a front row seat to watch the world burn. And maybe that's alarming enough that he thinks to find her, or maybe he finds it funny. Either way, he ends up climbing up to join her on her rooftop hideaway. And she's content to sit in silence, up until she thinks he may press her to talk about what's on her mind. He knows her well enough to understand when she's wound up. Even if she's trying to hide it.]
Do you ever get the feeling that everything's different now? That there's been a line drawn.
[ even if his mind might occasionally get caught up in everything else — with the fables, with the rescue, with this fight — he's always going to make sure that clara's safe, that she's alright. in the days that follow the overall decision to stick around for longer than they've planned, as the days grow quieter, save for the distaste of the locals towards their group, he steals a chance to see how she's handling it all.
he joins her on the roof, his typical long coat trailing behind him, a familiar pink bag hanging off from one shoulder, setting it beside himself once he takes a seat next to her, eyes drifting off to the skyline, sighing in the silence before she speaks up to him. ]
Think it got drawn a long time ago. [ he answers, shoulders slouching a bit. ] Question is how far past it is everyone gonna go.
[When she glances over his way, she spots his ever present backpack and the sight of it makes her softly laugh. It's a moment of levity in what is likely going to be a heavy conversation, and she almost feels guilty that he has to be here to hear it. With everything he does for her, everything he's doing to save her, it feels wrong to add any further weight onto his shoulders.]
How far are you willing to go, Tak?
[She knows what his regret is now, and still thinks his cost is simply sticking around a little longer. But is that still worth it to him, she wonders. If the line has been drawn and he isn't sure how far past it he wants to tread to get the job done.]
Because I've been questioning that myself lately. And I'm not sure I know the answer.
[ he's quiet for a while as he listens to her, the question lingering on his mind. how far is he willing to go? the answer doesn't really need speaking, does it? things have begun to disappear from his mind gradually, the price he paid to save the life of the woman beside him, with no expectation of sharing in that life with her. not that it'd have mattered; the turnout of their relationship makes no difference in the decision he made.
not that she knows the full extent of the price. ]
Someone once asked me if I thought it was possible to go so far you can't come back.
[ —who was it? the fact that he struggles to remember is unsettling, but he tries to not let it bother him, even if he knows what the signs suggest. ]
Thing is, the kind of work I used to do, little errands for the Protectorate that didn't get logged anywhere — I was good at it. Because I was capable of almost anything.
[ those are words he'd have spoken with pride once. now, it's as if he's empty when he speaks it, like they've emptied him raw. ]
And back then, I wasn't ... I wasn't even doing it for anybody. [ not for the job. not for jaeger. not even for rei, who was far and away from him, out of harm's way. ] But when you've got someone to fight for — [ he turns to look at her. ] There's no telling how far we'd go.
[Her eyes meet his, and she stares up at him with something close to understanding on her face. She knows exactly what that feeling is like. But isn't sure if he knows that it extends to him as well as the Doctor. Ever so slowly, a sad smile forms, and she reaches up to press her hand to his cheek.]
You know that I'd do anything to fight for you too, right? It's important that you know that.
[Despite whatever happened between them, she would tear apart the universe if it meant keeping him safe.]
I still see you. And I still love you, even if it's different now.
[Love has a way of being dynamic enough to exist in different ways. It can change and adapt, evolve into something new. Something stronger, less fractured by the weight of expectation and avoiding reality. The way she loves him is unconditional, even if it isn't romantic any longer. They've both moved on and things are different between them now. But that doesn't mean that what's emerged isn't still fantastic. It's better now, really. Things are less consuming, their heads no longer caught in the clouds.
Maybe that's why she hears what he says and she worries he might be concerned about the path he's on.]
I won't let you go so far that you lose sight of who you are.
[ i still love you. it's strange to hear her say that word — still — when he'd never heard her say it before, when he'd never said it himself. it's not like it hadn't existed; what he felt for clara in those days had been strong enough to send him in a whirl, to launch him ever faster towards making the decision he made in wanting to save her life. it isn't that the feeling never existed, that he hadn't suspected something being felt for him in return, but—
it's almost jarring to hear now, when he's already stepped away from the alternate path where he would have run away with her anywhere in the universe.
but he knows that it is different now, without her having to clarify it. because it's just as different for him too, even if he still cares about her to the point where he'd always make the choice to save her life.
the difference is he doesn't want to do any running away anymore, not with her, not with anyone. the difference is he's found someone to want to stay for.
despite the brief wonder of those words, there's no other uncertainty that surfaces, exhaling softly to the touch of her hand at his cheek. ]
I know. [ the guilt inside of him isn't about old feelings; it's about knowing just how much she would do for him in turn, and the knowledge that there's plenty that he still hasn't told her — about what he is losing. ] But you don't have to worry about me.
[They never had said the words, but Clara knows for a fact that there had been feelings anyway. It had been sudden and intense, and so strong that she likely would've taken the leap and pulled him with her. But she doesn't even stop to think about how her saying what she is now would be disorienting, how it may not even be appropriate for her to mention.
She isn't looking to rekindle anything, doesn't want to try and lure him into false hope or empty dreams that are sweet but can't really happen. There's no need for either of them to run away now, not when they both have what they need in the people they're with.
But that doesn't change the fact she'd go to extremes to protect him, particularly from the decision he's made to try and save her. Her hand lingers against him for a moment before dropping away, her smile turning sad as he tries to get her to not worry about him.]
Yeah, that's not working on me this time. Nice try, though.
[She's allowed to worry, just the same as he is about her. It's part of the deal when you're close to someone, the relationship they used to have blossoming into a deep friendship.]
I'm gonna worry. Because you're not being completely honest with me, are you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action; during extended mission time
She's able to blend in, given she has no powers and kept a low profile during the chaos that caused so much destruction. But she finds that no matter how much she helps, she's never satisfied. Something eats at her, discontent growing into actual anger. And one night, when it feels like it's too much, she's grateful that Kovacs reaches out to check in on her.
She doesn't answer his question with an actual statement of how she's doing. She tells him she's on a rooftop to get a front row seat to watch the world burn. And maybe that's alarming enough that he thinks to find her, or maybe he finds it funny. Either way, he ends up climbing up to join her on her rooftop hideaway. And she's content to sit in silence, up until she thinks he may press her to talk about what's on her mind. He knows her well enough to understand when she's wound up. Even if she's trying to hide it.]
Do you ever get the feeling that everything's different now? That there's been a line drawn.
no subject
he joins her on the roof, his typical long coat trailing behind him, a familiar pink bag hanging off from one shoulder, setting it beside himself once he takes a seat next to her, eyes drifting off to the skyline, sighing in the silence before she speaks up to him. ]
Think it got drawn a long time ago. [ he answers, shoulders slouching a bit. ] Question is how far past it is everyone gonna go.
no subject
How far are you willing to go, Tak?
[She knows what his regret is now, and still thinks his cost is simply sticking around a little longer. But is that still worth it to him, she wonders. If the line has been drawn and he isn't sure how far past it he wants to tread to get the job done.]
Because I've been questioning that myself lately. And I'm not sure I know the answer.
no subject
not that she knows the full extent of the price. ]
Someone once asked me if I thought it was possible to go so far you can't come back.
[ —who was it? the fact that he struggles to remember is unsettling, but he tries to not let it bother him, even if he knows what the signs suggest. ]
Thing is, the kind of work I used to do, little errands for the Protectorate that didn't get logged anywhere — I was good at it. Because I was capable of almost anything.
[ those are words he'd have spoken with pride once. now, it's as if he's empty when he speaks it, like they've emptied him raw. ]
And back then, I wasn't ... I wasn't even doing it for anybody. [ not for the job. not for jaeger. not even for rei, who was far and away from him, out of harm's way. ] But when you've got someone to fight for — [ he turns to look at her. ] There's no telling how far we'd go.
no subject
You know that I'd do anything to fight for you too, right? It's important that you know that.
[Despite whatever happened between them, she would tear apart the universe if it meant keeping him safe.]
I still see you. And I still love you, even if it's different now.
[Love has a way of being dynamic enough to exist in different ways. It can change and adapt, evolve into something new. Something stronger, less fractured by the weight of expectation and avoiding reality. The way she loves him is unconditional, even if it isn't romantic any longer. They've both moved on and things are different between them now. But that doesn't mean that what's emerged isn't still fantastic. It's better now, really. Things are less consuming, their heads no longer caught in the clouds.
Maybe that's why she hears what he says and she worries he might be concerned about the path he's on.]
I won't let you go so far that you lose sight of who you are.
no subject
it's almost jarring to hear now, when he's already stepped away from the alternate path where he would have run away with her anywhere in the universe.
but he knows that it is different now, without her having to clarify it. because it's just as different for him too, even if he still cares about her to the point where he'd always make the choice to save her life.
the difference is he doesn't want to do any running away anymore, not with her, not with anyone. the difference is he's found someone to want to stay for.
despite the brief wonder of those words, there's no other uncertainty that surfaces, exhaling softly to the touch of her hand at his cheek. ]
I know. [ the guilt inside of him isn't about old feelings; it's about knowing just how much she would do for him in turn, and the knowledge that there's plenty that he still hasn't told her — about what he is losing. ] But you don't have to worry about me.
no subject
She isn't looking to rekindle anything, doesn't want to try and lure him into false hope or empty dreams that are sweet but can't really happen. There's no need for either of them to run away now, not when they both have what they need in the people they're with.
But that doesn't change the fact she'd go to extremes to protect him, particularly from the decision he's made to try and save her. Her hand lingers against him for a moment before dropping away, her smile turning sad as he tries to get her to not worry about him.]
Yeah, that's not working on me this time. Nice try, though.
[She's allowed to worry, just the same as he is about her. It's part of the deal when you're close to someone, the relationship they used to have blossoming into a deep friendship.]
I'm gonna worry. Because you're not being completely honest with me, are you.