you're not kirigan he doesn't just hurt people this isn't the same as whatever you've done
[ it needs to be said. that kovacs has the grace to speak of sticking together speaks to that fact — a greater show of humanity and its capacity for mercy than kirigan could dredge up. it's designed to be a reassurance on alina's part as much as a protest; you're not kirigan. you don't know how he thinks. you don't know what he is.
a monster rarely knows it's a monster. takeshi mistaking his reflection for one is all she's ever needed to know he can't rightly call himself one of them. ]
i'm telling you there's no "if" about it he is planning something, and it will happen again you can be sure of it i'm making sure i'm not the only one prepared for it when the time comes
and before you ask, i don't know what the bracelet does i didn't even know why she stuck him with it until now but he obviously doesn't want anyone else to know about it he hid our conversation from everyone as soon as i confronted him about it
[ kovacs wonders how much it counts, that there's guilt involved with the things he does. because sometimes it just feels like it becomes an excuse, something he can grip onto while he channels his anger, his agony, all into violence. maybe that's why the orb challenged him not to use violence during this mission, to highlight whether the beast can ever really help himself.
but whatever kind of monster he is, whether alina sees him as one or not, it's clear enough what she sees in kirigan, a kind of uncertainty that doesn't fall on just anyone. ]
you know him don't you from before all of this
[ it's almost a question, but it isn't one he's looking for her to answer. even if she wanted to give one, this isn't the time or place for stories.
but the way they've spoken of monsters — he wonders how much of one kirigan has been in her past. ]
whatever it does, the bracelet could at least be keeping him in check but it's not good enough
i warned a few people about him but trust in this group has been shaky enough as it is figured i'd avoid causing an uproar by telling everyone what he did especially after what happened on that train but if he becomes more of a liability, maybe it's not worth keeping my mouth shut
i'm not sure i've ever really known him it's a long story
[ she realizes, too late, that saying as much holds her to a certain promise. a debt of saying i'll tell you later. an obligation to recount every terrible mistake she's made, every agonizing betrayal kirigan has inflicted, every distrustful reason why she hadn't chosen to openly share that knowledge.
not among another crew kirigan had already spun around his finger, as he always does. a puppet master finding the strings of those most loyal, most desperate to believe. ]
who did you tell i want to make sure i'm not trusting anyone on this ship who would make excuses for him
[ — and therefore more likely to be turned on her, the same way kirigan had sent the others after her like bloodhounds tied to the leash he holds. ]
[ a long story means there is a story. he doesn't expect to hear it now, not when this isn't the time, and maybe she doesn't plan to tell him at all. but he can't help the curiosity of how much kirigan is involved with what she's carrying on her shoulders.
[ do they? clara courts trouble like it's her destined soulmate. for now, alina grinds down her impulsive doubt into the dirt. sne can worry over her friend's penchant for chasing danger when they aren't utterly flanked by it on all sides. ]
but not newt
[ it sits in that nebulous space between question and statement. she can't bear to tip it over into the hypocrisy of her judgment about the secrets kovacs has been keeping from newt himself — not when she's kept her own stacked in the dark, a closet stuffed full with skeletons and bogeymen. so mistakenly convinced — somehow, stupidly — they would never escape and do harm under her careful watch. ]
[ telling marta had been the first thing he did, considering the entanglement of their relationship that had freshly begun by the time all of this had happened. and telling clara? considering what he knew of how close she was to newt and everything he was doing to protect them both, it seemed inevitable. was it a risk, knowing how confrontational clara could be? probably, but kovacs himself tends to take plenty of those. ]
because i've talked to newt plenty since he came back. he blames enough on himself.
if he knew someone tried to kill him for what happened, he'd just think he would have deserved it.
he's dealing with enough.
[ kovacs has already done what he can to ease as much from his friend's mind, especially these past few days with preparing these devices for the mission. ]
[ she can't rail against his approach. newt's conscience is so plagued by guilt that she'd been surprised he hadn't apologized for staining her teeth red with his own blood, that day on the train. but a larger part of her grapples with it, wonders if the little palace had whispered about her the same way, when she'd obliviously circled kirigan like a stupid, mooning schoolgirl.
no. doubtlessly, it had been less kind. doubtlessly, they had shared a laugh at her expense, mocked her for a joke everyone else was in on except for her. ]
then we don't tell newt someone tried to kill him we tell him a different truth there's no shortage of reasons why anyone should stay away from kirigan
[ he knows newt deserves some kind of warning, especially with kirigan so frequently present, still as much a part of their mission whether kovacs wants him around or not. whether kovacs convinced the man to step down from trying to kill him on that day or not, it's not a guarantee for long term protection.
and he knows he won't necessarily always be ready at newt's side to protect him. if any sliver of doubt rises up in kirigan again, he could go for a second chance any day. ]
we can take care of that when this job's done right now his head's on the mission and i've got him covered
[ but he knows alina's right. whether it's the full truth or not, newt has to be warned. ]
when we get back we'll find something to tell him i promise
[ she stalls at that single word. promise. it's the empty nature of every vow she's been offered, lately, out of the mouths of traitors and liars that makes it seem less credible. a method of swatting her away like a buzzing fly circling him.
but she'd come to kovacs, out of anyone among their ranks, for a reason. letting her trust wobble now is no better than swinging blindly out of fear, afraid of her own inability to distinguish an ally from an enemy. so she forces herself to nod along despite the impatient pinch in her chest, on the corners of her mouth — and then quickly remembers he can't see her reluctant agreement. ]
i'm going to hold you to that
see you once this is over good luck. i think we're all going to need it
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he doesn't just hurt people
this isn't the same as whatever you've done
[ it needs to be said. that kovacs has the grace to speak of sticking together speaks to that fact — a greater show of humanity and its capacity for mercy than kirigan could dredge up. it's designed to be a reassurance on alina's part as much as a protest; you're not kirigan. you don't know how he thinks. you don't know what he is.
a monster rarely knows it's a monster. takeshi mistaking his reflection for one is all she's ever needed to know he can't rightly call himself one of them. ]
i'm telling you there's no "if" about it
he is planning something, and it will happen again
you can be sure of it
i'm making sure i'm not the only one prepared for it when the time comes
and before you ask, i don't know what the bracelet does
i didn't even know why she stuck him with it until now
but he obviously doesn't want anyone else to know about it
he hid our conversation from everyone as soon as i confronted him about it
no subject
but whatever kind of monster he is, whether alina sees him as one or not, it's clear enough what she sees in kirigan, a kind of uncertainty that doesn't fall on just anyone. ]
you know him don't you
from before all of this
[ it's almost a question, but it isn't one he's looking for her to answer. even if she wanted to give one, this isn't the time or place for stories.
but the way they've spoken of monsters — he wonders how much of one kirigan has been in her past. ]
whatever it does, the bracelet could at least be keeping him in check
but it's not good enough
i warned a few people about him but trust in this group has been shaky enough as it is
figured i'd avoid causing an uproar by telling everyone what he did
especially after what happened on that train
but if he becomes more of a liability, maybe it's not worth keeping my mouth shut
no subject
it's a long story
[ she realizes, too late, that saying as much holds her to a certain promise. a debt of saying i'll tell you later. an obligation to recount every terrible mistake she's made, every agonizing betrayal kirigan has inflicted, every distrustful reason why she hadn't chosen to openly share that knowledge.
not among another crew kirigan had already spun around his finger, as he always does. a puppet master finding the strings of those most loyal, most desperate to believe. ]
who did you tell
i want to make sure i'm not trusting anyone on this ship who would make excuses for him
[ — and therefore more likely to be turned on her, the same way kirigan had sent the others after her like bloodhounds tied to the leash he holds. ]
no subject
(—and the bones jutting from her collar.)
stories for another time. ]
marta and clara
they know to steer clear from him
no subject
but not newt
[ it sits in that nebulous space between question and statement. she can't bear to tip it over into the hypocrisy of her judgment about the secrets kovacs has been keeping from newt himself — not when she's kept her own stacked in the dark, a closet stuffed full with skeletons and bogeymen. so mistakenly convinced — somehow, stupidly — they would never escape and do harm under her careful watch. ]
why?
no subject
because i've talked to newt plenty since he came back.
he blames enough on himself.
if he knew someone tried to kill him for what happened, he'd just think he would have deserved it.
he's dealing with enough.
[ kovacs has already done what he can to ease as much from his friend's mind, especially these past few days with preparing these devices for the mission. ]
all that's mattered is keeping him safe.
no subject
no. doubtlessly, it had been less kind. doubtlessly, they had shared a laugh at her expense, mocked her for a joke everyone else was in on except for her. ]
then we don't tell newt someone tried to kill him
we tell him a different truth
there's no shortage of reasons why anyone should stay away from kirigan
no subject
and he knows he won't necessarily always be ready at newt's side to protect him. if any sliver of doubt rises up in kirigan again, he could go for a second chance any day. ]
we can take care of that when this job's done
right now his head's on the mission and i've got him covered
[ but he knows alina's right. whether it's the full truth or not, newt has to be warned. ]
when we get back
we'll find something to tell him
i promise
no subject
but she'd come to kovacs, out of anyone among their ranks, for a reason. letting her trust wobble now is no better than swinging blindly out of fear, afraid of her own inability to distinguish an ally from an enemy. so she forces herself to nod along despite the impatient pinch in her chest, on the corners of her mouth — and then quickly remembers he can't see her reluctant agreement. ]
i'm going to hold you to that
see you once this is over
good luck. i think we're all going to need it