i'm not sure i've ever really known him it's a long story
[ she realizes, too late, that saying as much holds her to a certain promise. a debt of saying i'll tell you later. an obligation to recount every terrible mistake she's made, every agonizing betrayal kirigan has inflicted, every distrustful reason why she hadn't chosen to openly share that knowledge.
not among another crew kirigan had already spun around his finger, as he always does. a puppet master finding the strings of those most loyal, most desperate to believe. ]
who did you tell i want to make sure i'm not trusting anyone on this ship who would make excuses for him
[ — and therefore more likely to be turned on her, the same way kirigan had sent the others after her like bloodhounds tied to the leash he holds. ]
[ a long story means there is a story. he doesn't expect to hear it now, not when this isn't the time, and maybe she doesn't plan to tell him at all. but he can't help the curiosity of how much kirigan is involved with what she's carrying on her shoulders.
[ do they? clara courts trouble like it's her destined soulmate. for now, alina grinds down her impulsive doubt into the dirt. sne can worry over her friend's penchant for chasing danger when they aren't utterly flanked by it on all sides. ]
but not newt
[ it sits in that nebulous space between question and statement. she can't bear to tip it over into the hypocrisy of her judgment about the secrets kovacs has been keeping from newt himself — not when she's kept her own stacked in the dark, a closet stuffed full with skeletons and bogeymen. so mistakenly convinced — somehow, stupidly — they would never escape and do harm under her careful watch. ]
[ telling marta had been the first thing he did, considering the entanglement of their relationship that had freshly begun by the time all of this had happened. and telling clara? considering what he knew of how close she was to newt and everything he was doing to protect them both, it seemed inevitable. was it a risk, knowing how confrontational clara could be? probably, but kovacs himself tends to take plenty of those. ]
because i've talked to newt plenty since he came back. he blames enough on himself.
if he knew someone tried to kill him for what happened, he'd just think he would have deserved it.
he's dealing with enough.
[ kovacs has already done what he can to ease as much from his friend's mind, especially these past few days with preparing these devices for the mission. ]
[ she can't rail against his approach. newt's conscience is so plagued by guilt that she'd been surprised he hadn't apologized for staining her teeth red with his own blood, that day on the train. but a larger part of her grapples with it, wonders if the little palace had whispered about her the same way, when she'd obliviously circled kirigan like a stupid, mooning schoolgirl.
no. doubtlessly, it had been less kind. doubtlessly, they had shared a laugh at her expense, mocked her for a joke everyone else was in on except for her. ]
then we don't tell newt someone tried to kill him we tell him a different truth there's no shortage of reasons why anyone should stay away from kirigan
[ he knows newt deserves some kind of warning, especially with kirigan so frequently present, still as much a part of their mission whether kovacs wants him around or not. whether kovacs convinced the man to step down from trying to kill him on that day or not, it's not a guarantee for long term protection.
and he knows he won't necessarily always be ready at newt's side to protect him. if any sliver of doubt rises up in kirigan again, he could go for a second chance any day. ]
we can take care of that when this job's done right now his head's on the mission and i've got him covered
[ but he knows alina's right. whether it's the full truth or not, newt has to be warned. ]
when we get back we'll find something to tell him i promise
[ she stalls at that single word. promise. it's the empty nature of every vow she's been offered, lately, out of the mouths of traitors and liars that makes it seem less credible. a method of swatting her away like a buzzing fly circling him.
but she'd come to kovacs, out of anyone among their ranks, for a reason. letting her trust wobble now is no better than swinging blindly out of fear, afraid of her own inability to distinguish an ally from an enemy. so she forces herself to nod along despite the impatient pinch in her chest, on the corners of her mouth — and then quickly remembers he can't see her reluctant agreement. ]
i'm going to hold you to that
see you once this is over good luck. i think we're all going to need it
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
it's a long story
[ she realizes, too late, that saying as much holds her to a certain promise. a debt of saying i'll tell you later. an obligation to recount every terrible mistake she's made, every agonizing betrayal kirigan has inflicted, every distrustful reason why she hadn't chosen to openly share that knowledge.
not among another crew kirigan had already spun around his finger, as he always does. a puppet master finding the strings of those most loyal, most desperate to believe. ]
who did you tell
i want to make sure i'm not trusting anyone on this ship who would make excuses for him
[ — and therefore more likely to be turned on her, the same way kirigan had sent the others after her like bloodhounds tied to the leash he holds. ]
no subject
(—and the bones jutting from her collar.)
stories for another time. ]
marta and clara
they know to steer clear from him
no subject
but not newt
[ it sits in that nebulous space between question and statement. she can't bear to tip it over into the hypocrisy of her judgment about the secrets kovacs has been keeping from newt himself — not when she's kept her own stacked in the dark, a closet stuffed full with skeletons and bogeymen. so mistakenly convinced — somehow, stupidly — they would never escape and do harm under her careful watch. ]
why?
no subject
because i've talked to newt plenty since he came back.
he blames enough on himself.
if he knew someone tried to kill him for what happened, he'd just think he would have deserved it.
he's dealing with enough.
[ kovacs has already done what he can to ease as much from his friend's mind, especially these past few days with preparing these devices for the mission. ]
all that's mattered is keeping him safe.
no subject
no. doubtlessly, it had been less kind. doubtlessly, they had shared a laugh at her expense, mocked her for a joke everyone else was in on except for her. ]
then we don't tell newt someone tried to kill him
we tell him a different truth
there's no shortage of reasons why anyone should stay away from kirigan
no subject
and he knows he won't necessarily always be ready at newt's side to protect him. if any sliver of doubt rises up in kirigan again, he could go for a second chance any day. ]
we can take care of that when this job's done
right now his head's on the mission and i've got him covered
[ but he knows alina's right. whether it's the full truth or not, newt has to be warned. ]
when we get back
we'll find something to tell him
i promise
no subject
but she'd come to kovacs, out of anyone among their ranks, for a reason. letting her trust wobble now is no better than swinging blindly out of fear, afraid of her own inability to distinguish an ally from an enemy. so she forces herself to nod along despite the impatient pinch in her chest, on the corners of her mouth — and then quickly remembers he can't see her reluctant agreement. ]
i'm going to hold you to that
see you once this is over
good luck. i think we're all going to need it