![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
XIMILIA ; november / prior to regret change.
[ the station has been emptier these days, with so many of their team sent off on planet, some he'd committed himself to staying beside to keep protected — clara, newt, marta. his fingers curl into fists against his knees, leaning forward where he's seated at the edge of the bed of his private room. he remembers sharing one for the first few months he came here, one of the things he's surprised he hasn't actually forgotten since that list seems to be extending more frequently these days.
as those thoughts float through his mind, a figure appears in the corner of his eye, though he barely looks her way. the quellcrist falconer that stands there isn't actually real and neither is she a ghost. she's a memory of the past, a piece of his subconscious he used to often consult for guidance, pretending to hear advice from her lips, the way he'd imagine her saying as she did more than two hundred years ago. for a time, he'd been able to stop seeking her out, but as the memories begin to vanish more and more, she's become something to cling to, with the hopes that he doesn't forget even more. ]
You're anxious. [ she says, sharp and accusatory, with the same tone she'd carried as the leader of the envoys.
kovacs sighs through his nose, annoyed, less with her and more with himself. ]
I'm not. They're coming back.
Are you trying to convince me or yourself?
Isn't that the same thing here? [ she laughs at his answer, like she's some independent being from his own mind, and he rolls his eyes. ] It's under control. Viveca will bring them back.
Because she's always been so trustworthy before. [ he doesn't like the way she phrases that. because if she's saying it, it means that, in the back of his mind, he's had his own doubts, too. ] Even if she does, who's to say you'll even recognize them when they do?
The memories haven't worked that way. I don't forget entire people.
How would you know? You wouldn't remember.
Because I know.
[ that's where she should laugh, since it's the biggest joke of everything he's said. all this talk of certainty when he knows he isn't certain of anything anymore. not of this place, not of the orbs, not of his deal, not of himself. ]
Your mind is chipping away. Humans weren't meant to live this long. Even with advancements of stack technology, your DHF has been put into too many bodies. As an envoy, I taught you to counter the personality frag for as long as possible, but you weren't meant to last centuries, Tak. No one is.
[ he thinks of the doctor. he thinks of andy. but they're different from him. they were built to last. he wasn't. ]
Your mind is dying. And when you continue to forget more and more, when you lose more of who you are, who will protect your friends? How are you going to save Clara's life when, eventually, you won't even remember who she is?
[ finally, kovacs turns to look at quell, as she stands there, judgment in her eyes. his own are angrier now (though not at her, never at her). he doesn't even reply, but she knows what he's thinking. she's the other half of this thoughts, after all. ]
You're not expecting the Doctor to help, are you? You haven't even told him the girl he loves is going to die. The girl you loved, too. How can anyone help you when you've been lying to them all?
[ no, not all. he hasn't lied to them all. ]
Marta—
Deserves better.
[ yes, she does. kovacs swallows, feeling the guilt transform into a thicker lump in his throat. he thinks of marta on planet, with no way of knowing if she's safe. how many times has he promised to stay by her side, only to be forced to break it again and again? how long before he forgets every single promise he's made? ]
I'll keep her safe. And I'll stay alive to make sure of that.
Funny coming from someone who's worked so hard to die in the past.
You ordered me to survive. That's what I've done.
Not because you wanted to. And even if you've changed your mind, it doesn't change what's happening to you. Your memories are getting worse, Tak. [ she sounds more concerned now, stepping closer to him before she takes a seat beside him on the bed, eyes observing him as he looks to the floor. ] You don't remember your mother's face. You don't remember your sister's voice. How long before you forget Marta's name?
[ she reaches out to him, fingers soft against his chin to urge him to lift his eyes to her. ]
Why are you here?
[ the question is confusing. it comes from his own psyche, and yet he doesn't understand it. ]
What are you talking about? The orbs—? I'm trying to save Clara.
You didn't know Clara before you came here. Why would you make a deal to save her life when you'd never even met her? You came for something else.
[ he remains still, staring at her. ]
... I don't know.
You don't remember.
I don't remember.
And what about Newt?
What about—?
You had to save him from Kirigan. He thanked you for it, recently. But why did you have to save him? Why did Kirigan attack him in the first place?
[ another pause. his throat feels more dry, his breath quicker, more unsteady. ]
I don't— Remember.
[ kovacs isn't one for panic, but it's hard to keep it tame now, eyes wider as the uncertainty becomes more obvious. things he should know, but when he reaches into his mind, they just aren't there. quell is right. or rather, his own mind is aware of the truth.
soon enough, he won't be takeshi kovacs anymore. he won't even remember who that is.
he stands to his feet, beginning to pace the room. ]
Do you remember the Patchwork Man?*
[ again, he's annoyed at the question, mostly because he's feeling too frantic now to react calmly, and because he knows that it's his own random memory rising. ]
Cautionary tale told to kids to warn them about the dangers of sleeves. Dad used it to keep us in line. So Rei and I would just tell it our way. What does that have to do with anything?
[ quell doesn't answer the question. instead she recites, ]
Mad Mykola created the Patchwork Man out of cut up limbs and pieces, but the creature turned on him. It kept falling apart and had to shred apart others just to keep itself together, clutching to fragmented pieces just to stay alive, no matter how impossible it was for it to ever be whole.
[ kovacs stops in his tracks and turns to look at her, a rare fear in his eyes. when quell looks back, there's a sadness in her gaze. ]
What are you going to do, Tak?
[ he doesn't answer her immediately, wanting to find a different answer than the one that surfaces. but there's nothing else. ]
I have to fix it. [ his voice sounds hoarse, almost defeated. he'll soon become a collection of disconnected pieces, fragments with nothing steady at the core to keep it from falling apart — a patchwork man. ] I'll fix it.
[ even if there's only one possible way how —
he has to make a deal. ]
* The story of The Patchwork Man, as told by Kovacs and his sister, Rei:
as those thoughts float through his mind, a figure appears in the corner of his eye, though he barely looks her way. the quellcrist falconer that stands there isn't actually real and neither is she a ghost. she's a memory of the past, a piece of his subconscious he used to often consult for guidance, pretending to hear advice from her lips, the way he'd imagine her saying as she did more than two hundred years ago. for a time, he'd been able to stop seeking her out, but as the memories begin to vanish more and more, she's become something to cling to, with the hopes that he doesn't forget even more. ]
You're anxious. [ she says, sharp and accusatory, with the same tone she'd carried as the leader of the envoys.
kovacs sighs through his nose, annoyed, less with her and more with himself. ]
I'm not. They're coming back.
Are you trying to convince me or yourself?
Isn't that the same thing here? [ she laughs at his answer, like she's some independent being from his own mind, and he rolls his eyes. ] It's under control. Viveca will bring them back.
Because she's always been so trustworthy before. [ he doesn't like the way she phrases that. because if she's saying it, it means that, in the back of his mind, he's had his own doubts, too. ] Even if she does, who's to say you'll even recognize them when they do?
The memories haven't worked that way. I don't forget entire people.
How would you know? You wouldn't remember.
Because I know.
[ that's where she should laugh, since it's the biggest joke of everything he's said. all this talk of certainty when he knows he isn't certain of anything anymore. not of this place, not of the orbs, not of his deal, not of himself. ]
Your mind is chipping away. Humans weren't meant to live this long. Even with advancements of stack technology, your DHF has been put into too many bodies. As an envoy, I taught you to counter the personality frag for as long as possible, but you weren't meant to last centuries, Tak. No one is.
[ he thinks of the doctor. he thinks of andy. but they're different from him. they were built to last. he wasn't. ]
Your mind is dying. And when you continue to forget more and more, when you lose more of who you are, who will protect your friends? How are you going to save Clara's life when, eventually, you won't even remember who she is?
[ finally, kovacs turns to look at quell, as she stands there, judgment in her eyes. his own are angrier now (though not at her, never at her). he doesn't even reply, but she knows what he's thinking. she's the other half of this thoughts, after all. ]
You're not expecting the Doctor to help, are you? You haven't even told him the girl he loves is going to die. The girl you loved, too. How can anyone help you when you've been lying to them all?
[ no, not all. he hasn't lied to them all. ]
Marta—
Deserves better.
[ yes, she does. kovacs swallows, feeling the guilt transform into a thicker lump in his throat. he thinks of marta on planet, with no way of knowing if she's safe. how many times has he promised to stay by her side, only to be forced to break it again and again? how long before he forgets every single promise he's made? ]
I'll keep her safe. And I'll stay alive to make sure of that.
Funny coming from someone who's worked so hard to die in the past.
You ordered me to survive. That's what I've done.
Not because you wanted to. And even if you've changed your mind, it doesn't change what's happening to you. Your memories are getting worse, Tak. [ she sounds more concerned now, stepping closer to him before she takes a seat beside him on the bed, eyes observing him as he looks to the floor. ] You don't remember your mother's face. You don't remember your sister's voice. How long before you forget Marta's name?
[ she reaches out to him, fingers soft against his chin to urge him to lift his eyes to her. ]
Why are you here?
[ the question is confusing. it comes from his own psyche, and yet he doesn't understand it. ]
What are you talking about? The orbs—? I'm trying to save Clara.
You didn't know Clara before you came here. Why would you make a deal to save her life when you'd never even met her? You came for something else.
[ he remains still, staring at her. ]
... I don't know.
You don't remember.
I don't remember.
And what about Newt?
What about—?
You had to save him from Kirigan. He thanked you for it, recently. But why did you have to save him? Why did Kirigan attack him in the first place?
[ another pause. his throat feels more dry, his breath quicker, more unsteady. ]
I don't— Remember.
[ kovacs isn't one for panic, but it's hard to keep it tame now, eyes wider as the uncertainty becomes more obvious. things he should know, but when he reaches into his mind, they just aren't there. quell is right. or rather, his own mind is aware of the truth.
soon enough, he won't be takeshi kovacs anymore. he won't even remember who that is.
he stands to his feet, beginning to pace the room. ]
Do you remember the Patchwork Man?*
[ again, he's annoyed at the question, mostly because he's feeling too frantic now to react calmly, and because he knows that it's his own random memory rising. ]
Cautionary tale told to kids to warn them about the dangers of sleeves. Dad used it to keep us in line. So Rei and I would just tell it our way. What does that have to do with anything?
[ quell doesn't answer the question. instead she recites, ]
Mad Mykola created the Patchwork Man out of cut up limbs and pieces, but the creature turned on him. It kept falling apart and had to shred apart others just to keep itself together, clutching to fragmented pieces just to stay alive, no matter how impossible it was for it to ever be whole.
[ kovacs stops in his tracks and turns to look at her, a rare fear in his eyes. when quell looks back, there's a sadness in her gaze. ]
What are you going to do, Tak?
[ he doesn't answer her immediately, wanting to find a different answer than the one that surfaces. but there's nothing else. ]
I have to fix it. [ his voice sounds hoarse, almost defeated. he'll soon become a collection of disconnected pieces, fragments with nothing steady at the core to keep it from falling apart — a patchwork man. ] I'll fix it.
[ even if there's only one possible way how —
he has to make a deal. ]
* The story of The Patchwork Man, as told by Kovacs and his sister, Rei:
Once, there was a cruel father who had two kids. He was called Mad Mykola. He was a miller, but he made the kids do all of the work. The girl and the boy worked so hard, that one night, they fainted. Mad Mykola found them lying on the floor, and threw them both into the mill. Then he thought, who's going to do all the work for him? So he went into the village, stole more children. He killed them, cut them up, and took their bits and pieces to the loom, and stitched all their blood dead parts into one huge, strong, creepy thing — the Patchwork Man. But it turned, and it ripped Mad Mykola to shreds. Then it went out into the world. But its body kept falling apart. So to this day, the Patchwork Man wanders the streets looking for children to kill, to cut up, and to sew into himself.